User blog comment:TyrantRex/Primer Wikiversario the Tyrant!/@comment-11372432-20141125073334/@comment-11454852-20141125145917

I don't so much "make others happy to make myself happy"; the one thing I hate and fear the most about people is being judged by them (which happens constantly), when I do things that I dislike for others is more to avoid being judged by them. And about the companionship, I've come to adopt the "living alone is better than with wrong company" philosophy. It has become hard for me to find someone who isn't "wrong company". probably the only person I can feel not-suffocated with is my dad, out of everyone I know he seems to be the most patient and understanding (from stories I've heard he seems to have gone through worse so it's reasonable), but only see him on weekends.

The low self-esteem thing appears to be a somewhat common symptom that results from piled up stress that comes with the other symptoms and problems they cause; some experts describe it as "being uncomfortable on your own skin". In my case is that, and because anything I try to do ALWAYS has to come with a problem beyond my understanding, like recently I couldn't install some programs that I need for my college classes, 2 different teachers looked at the problem and both said "there's only 1 solution: buy a new laptop", I did so and turns out the new laptop crashed while trying to install them... Anyways, the low self-esteem isn't noticed on my posts for 2 reasons:

1) I'm quite good at keeping it hidden.

2) TCGs are my main hobby and main distraction from my daily life problems and stress, I'm obviously in a little better mood when at the card store and when posting here, I also keep it as less stressful as possible which is the real reason why I play casual instead of competitive. Ironically that causes others pressure me into playing tournaments, but I just ignore it.

I'm fully aware of those problems and my own flaws, but I'm trying to work on it, I just want to do it own my own to a) show myself I'm not a sad failure b) others can stop thinking I can't do anything alone. I'm doing the same thing with college, my goal is to finish it without flunking a single class which I've done so far and I'm only 1 year away from succeding at it.